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Thursday
July 24, 2008
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mood |
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music |
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I Wanna Mohawk (But Mom Won't Let Me Get One)-AFI |
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I think/hope mr. sexy likes me. he's wonderful.
he has a very wonderful voice
and a very wonderful bod
and very wonderful snakebites
and very wonderful eyes
and a very wonderful smile.
Wonderful.
sorry for the gush.
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| huh. |
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Monday
July 21, 2008
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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SOB--Horrorpops |
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So I need to keep up with this goddamn thing. Lord knows I do have the time.
Life's alright, despite the fact that the return to school draws ever nearer...everytime I think of it I throw up in my mouth a little bit. BUT HEY! I'm a senior now! crazy shit. whoopdeedoo.
I'm finally finished cleaning my room...let the nightmares begin! it's going to be sick as hell when I've finished painting and decorating...all nightmare before christmas stuff. I'm TOTALLY excited for that part...I just need the money now. HAHA!
Speaking of money, I have a major spending problem, just like...well...like other people have problems. I'm too braindead for humourous analogies at the moment.
Dyed my hair black now...if I had a fucking camera I would put up pictures. BUT GUESS WHAT!!!>!>!>?!?!?!?!? I don't. but it looks good! I actually feel good about myself for once. ok, done with that phase in my life.
Um, People *coughcough* more like person *coughcough* is/are (an) asshole(s), and I'm sick and tired of dealing with (them). (They) need to grow the fuck up and realize the world does NOT revolve around (them), that I'm tired of being treated like a Swiffer-getting my face rubbed in your dirt and then thrown away when it's all over-and that (they) have something else coming if they think I'm going to relinquish my anger and be all sweet and cute again. it's going to take a fucking LOOONNNNGGGGass time to earn my trust again. Maybe when I'm old and have Alzheimers, so I can forget about issues. Okay? okay.
Besides that vent, I"M WONDROUS!!!
and I HOPE (THEY) GET THE FUCKING HINT!!!!!
have a nice day! and things!
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| I seem to write the most when my mood turns sour. |
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Sunday
January 6, 2008
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mood |
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music |
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Yellowcard//Afraid |
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I finally turned in my USC application, and then just the other day I discovered that I scored a 33 on my ACT, which is apparently quite good. So why am I upset? Let me think. How about the fact that a total of two -- three, at most -- people have really supported my endeavour? And the fact that none of those people are members of my family? (Those two, in case you're wondering, are Willy and Mehera, who are brobably also the only two who will read this little tirade.)
While I freaked out about writing college essays and making sure I had all my papers in order, my mom decided that the opportunity had presented itself for her to remind me that she wasn't sure that going to college a year early was a great idea. RIGHT THEN. Thanks, mom. My parents have always told me that I have the world at my fingertips and that I have the ability to do whatever I desire in life, but then, when I sit down to actually set my desires into action, they say it's not a great idea. My dad always tells me that I should expand my horizons and travel whenever possible, but then he and my mother sit me down and talk to me about how good some of Florida's schools are. Never once, since I first started thinking of colleges in around sixth or seventh grade, have I expressed the desire to remain in this (God-forsaken -- not that He has helped me out that much, either --) state, and never once had they tried to quash my dreams, until now. The mixed messages are enough to make me question my entire foundation of right and wrong.
First of all, Florida, like the rest of the South, is not as advanced in education as the rest of the U.S. Such has been true since the Civil War era; in history, Mr. Koos pretty much said that the South is the retarded little brother of the rest of the nation. Secondly, the though of staying here just doesn't feel right. I know that I'm supposed to do big things, and somehow I know that I need to go elsewhere to accomplish them.
So, upon reviewing everyone's points, questions, and complaints, here's the big answer:
1) Sure, there's a big maturity jump between high school and college. But if you think that I will garner said maturity by remaining for another year in Melbourne Concentration Camp, you need your head examined. I think a trip out alone will help me on my road to adulthood, thank you very much.
2) I understand that California is quite some distance from Florida. But so is Boston. And anyway, I can call you, email you, write you, whatever. Most of you only communicate with me electronically, anyway.
3) No, I don't know what I want to major in. But, again, my senior year at MCC is not going to help me make up my mind, what with its rigidly structured curriculum. One way or another, this year or the next, I will enter college with an undeclared major. End of story.
4) Nothing appeals to me about my senior year of high school. NOTHING. Sure, seniors rank higher than the underclassmen in petty, worthless competitions that have no effect on a single student's life overall. And on Fridays, they even get to wear jeans! What a vast score of privileges. The though of earning dominance over a couple hundred young, idiotic, naive chumps doesn't hold the same glory for me as it might for you.
5) Why would I want to go? Why not? I've passed on so many opportunities that now I've learned not to let this one pass me by, and I think most of you know the stress I went through to get that application in on time. To do all that and then say "Forget about it" would be ludicrous, to say the least. On top of the idea of getting a head start on the rest of my life, there's a good chance that I could get a full ride. I know I have the chance of getting a full ride to many schools, but if I can get one now, why not?
6) Of course I'm going to miss my friends; I'm not completely heartless. But I would miss them whether I left this year or the next. This way, it's like a Band-Aid: the faster we get it over with, the sooner the pain goes away.
7) I will admit, I may be somewhat star struck by dreams of California. But since USC is in the middle of LA, which is, according to my mother (who loves to point out all the negative points of the things I want--thanks again, mom!)one of the most depressing cities of all time, I'm obviously not going for the scenery. I'm going because I've found an excellent school that seems to appreciate what I have to offer.
You can breathe now. I hope that clears up some of everyone's concerns. I really see no point in staying here unless I have to. As usual, Yellowcard managed to sum up my feelings in a single line: "Now, there's no place like home to make me feel alone." The longer I just hang around, the clearer it becomes that I am alone in my opinions and goals, and therefore, it's all up to my own decision. At least have the decency to let me make my own mistakes. It's my life to screw up, not yours.
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| Let's call the whole thing off. |
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Saturday
October 27, 2007
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mood |
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music |
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Let's call the whole thing off-Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers |
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I've realized that I want a man who absolutely adores Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies the way I do.
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| F dash dash dash |
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Saturday
October 13, 2007
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mood |
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music |
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Orpheus |
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Looks like it's "Everyone shoot Alex down" Day today!
Your turn!
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| Stolen from Meherasauce |
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Saturday
September 29, 2007
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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Rose of the Devil's Garden--Tiger Army |
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Reply to this post, and I will tell you three (or more) reasons why I love you and you are amazing.
dear you,
you can do what you want.
if you find one in a crack of lightning,
then you ought to do what you think is best
for you.
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| Manic depression is searching my soul |
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Thursday
September 6, 2007
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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Streetlight Manifesto -- A Better Place, A Better Time |
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So being sick at home gives one a lot of time to think. First of all, I'm very happy that FFG won the Bodog Battle of the Bands. They were my favourite, although I don't know whether that's because of their music or their dashingly good looks. Don't get me wrong, They are great artists...I just can't help but to vote for the hottie.
Watching that series has brought me to a lot of conclusions, oddly enough, so thank you FUSE for airing it. My first thought is that my life IS music. I've been playing with my brother's bass lately, and I love everything about it; Sometimes I just sit it on the floor and pluck one string, just to feel the floor vibrate beneath me. I want that to be the way I earn my living. There are opportunities for everyone out there. Provided, I'm nowhere near good enough to win that million-dollar recording contract, but I'm willing to work for it. I just don't think those around me are willing to let me do so. Everyone's been telling me that music should be more of a hobby than a career, and there is no way that I'm backing out of going to college. But I've only got two years--no, one and a half--before I'm officially an adult. An ADULT. Legal. Of the age. Whatever. that is NOT enough time to think of what I want to do with the rest of the eighty-something years I've (hopefully) got left. All I know for sure is that I would love it if music could be some part of it, whether it comes in the form of singing, playing an instrument, producing, etc. I could see myself onstage with them, felt my heart beat speed up when they prepared for their final show, relished the screaming of the fans. It courses through my veins, and I'm expected to let it just sit aside as some little hobby. I think not.
It also brought me to the topic of hotties, and why I'm so gaga over so many of the male species. I think my problem isn't that I want acceptance, it's that I'm insecure. I want someone to show off. Someone wrapped around my arm, and all the popular girls will be instantly jealous. Someone who's so superficially appealing, that people will start gossiping too quickly to delve deep enough to find that I picked the first cute one I saw. Or, anyway, that's how it was. But now that I've met someone of genuine good quality...whenever I'm around him or talking to him I get the feeling that I wouldn't mind waiting. Only with him. Does that mean something? I don't know; I hope it does. Thing is, there's really a very small chance of any sort of relationship with this guy, other than friendship, but again, when the thought of him comes up, I think to myself, "Give it some time, let yourself grow up...maybe then you'll be ready for him. He can make you happy, and you should be happy just to have met him." And I am. But I'm here and he's there, and once again I find myself with too much time on my hands, time to let myself stew in the notion that something is nagging at me. I'm happy when I'm with my friends, sure, but I know I could be happier. Maybe some of that magic is still there, of being with someone who doesn't really know how to handle you at first, who keeps you guessing all the time. But I'm a girl of science, you could say, and I'm tired of waiting for this reaction to occur. Maybe the bottom line is that I'm just tired.
P.S. I miss my dog like crazy. This is the first time she hasn't been able to take care of me when I'm sick, and it's not fun. Maybe that's why I'm not getting better that quickly.
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| I have not updated this in a long long time. |
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Friday
July 13, 2007
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mood |
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bitchy |
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music |
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Where Would We Be Now--Good Charlotte |
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Sometimes I feel like that.
In two years, I've come to really dislike this place. Just two years. Maybe it would be okay if people weren't so close-minded. Or maybe it would be better if I knew other people.
I think my friends are getting tired of hearing me talk about what's wrong with me. I just feel like I have to bring it up for some reason. I feel like someone should know. I want someone to be the first to say "Hey, are you okay?" but they don't. and so I bring it up. See? Here I am again, complaining. Maybe I should just get a whole new string of friends whose ears are as of yet unadulterated by my whinyness. Maybe that's why I can't wait to get out of here.
Or maybe it's because I will finally be free of my parents.
Apparently, I'm a lazy fat immature kid who hates herself. Or that's what I got out of last night's little episode. I don't understand how they come up with some of this shit. And I also don't know how the people who have known me since my birth are the people who least understand me. Why do I stay online (more than I should, I know)? Because other people are there. Because it's lonely to go outside and sit on the swings by yourself. Because I hate the sun. I always end up as the bad guy, one way or another. And they make sure of it. And all of this "I love you, but..." nonsense is starting to drive me crazy. There are NO buts to love. Either you love me or you don't.
Another thing that is starting to drive me crazy is the fact that I can't find my blade.
And Also I smell like a giant ashtray and my mouth is really dry.
And that my brother is the one person who somewhat gets me, and then the argument last night turns into picking on HIM, too. And the fact that he's gone, and we didn't get to go to Universal, and that he's leaving on Saturday and I don't know when he's coming back. More than one time I have seriously considered buying myself a plane ticket up there and not coming back, ever.
I'm looking forward to out of state college, but I don't really want to look for colleges right now. They don't understand why I'm not excited about it. They don't understand that I WOULD like it to fall into my lap, because I have no idea what I'm doing, and a little help would be nice. They don't understand that they're being dumber than I am in wasting their money on the stupid architect, and they don't stop. They don't understand that right now, they are the people who I would LEAST like to take a road trip with.
So yes, maybe you do rank lower than other things on my list. Would you like me to agree with you?
And even once I get out, I'm never going to get away. The phone will not stop ringing, I can just feel it. Just leave me alone, dammit. Please. Go away. THIS is why I stay in my room all the time, because I don't want to be with you at all.
On the other hand, I've actually been looking forward to work. Because I get out of the house. And they call me lazy: I just earned $200 last week. Take that, Corporate America. And there are nice people. Some of them are...overly nice. But some are genuinely good people that I'm really glad to have met. But it's like whenever something good comes my way it fades away too quickly. Like it's a glimpse of the good stuff out there, of the stuff I can't have.
Whatever. I'll just be content with what I've got right now, as much as I can be.
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| random midnight ramblings about a certain person upon whom I train my affections. |
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Tuesday
April 10, 2007
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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Everywhere (Michelle Branch cover) by Yellowcard |
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Those eyes.
Those eyes are what got me in the first place.
They didn't look past me.
They noticed me.
for once, noticed me.
They're beautiful...
those two or three seconds a day are the ones I treasure the most.
Sometimes spring break isn't such a good thing.
Sometimes school's okay.
Those eyes make it bearable.
Can we talk some more?
I hope I'm not laying it on too thick.
It's just really hard for me not to.
They noticed me.
It's uncanny to have so much in common with one person.
Two threads of the same tapestry.
Does the word soulmate mean anything to you?
You know, for a person I've said about 10 words to, we have the most intimate conversations.
I've got this mixtape with your name all over it.
But not yet, not yet, you can't listen to it just yet.
It's too soon.
But can't we live for today?
No, not yet, not yet.
The lyrics keep going through my head: "You're in everyone I see/so tell me/do you see me?"
It's crazy, but that's our song.
Ours, and no one else's.
I'm not going to say what I think I'm feeling.
Not explicitly, anyway.
Can you tell?
If you can, you don't seem to be bothered too much-
in fact, you're playing along very well.
Or maybe you're not playing.
Do I have you figured out?
Do you know me better than you seem to?
Are you the answer to my long-forgotten prayers?
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| The Truth |
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Sunday
February 25, 2007
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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Salty Eyes by The Matches |
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I will admit once and for all that I'm a liar and a coward.
What a combo.
I think I still love that one person.
It seemed like a good idea to break it off--
1. we had to hide it all the time.
2. that person's parents found out and so there was no way that my parents eventually wouldn't.
3. i really like boys.
But right now I feel so low.
I feel lonely and unloved.
It's like The Scientist in which one chooses logic over matters of the heart.
My choice signified that I was more afraid of my parents than I was in love with you.
Which is where the coward part comes in.
But you sounded like you were really happy with us breaking it off.
I know our love was a strange one.
And I'm sure by now that you no longer reciprocate my feelings.
But in my head we're still more than friends.
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| GUESS WHAT |
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Wednesday
January 31, 2007
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TOMORROW"S MY BEEDAY!
love me!
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| ghey |
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Saturday
January 27, 2007
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Bitch.
Scuze the fuck hell out of me, too.
Pardon the effing french.
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| LESSTHANTHREE |
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Monday
January 15, 2007
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So I've been praying lately that I find true love.
I think I may just have found it.
But not in the way I expected it.
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| Somehow we'll make it, cuz that's what we do. |
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Thursday
January 4, 2007
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Red Hot Chili Peppers-Make You Feel Better |
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Lately a lot of questions have been coming up.
I've mostly been questioning who I am in ways I never thought would pop into my mind...it's really starting to scare me.
I find myself being a very...//false//person, for lack of a better word. I have to get the last laugh. I love the same things you do. I've heard of this band and seen that movie, just because you're mentioning them.
I crave attention.
Why? I have no idea. It's crazy, because my mom will always be all like "Oh, Alexa's such a good, smart girl, blahblahblah," to anyone who asks (and everyone who doesn't). And I HATE it!! I wish she'd just shut her mouth; if I wanted them to know, I'd tell them myself.
But then I go off and goof around, trying to be the funniest or the best dressed or whatever. I look back and see that all my stories seem to have been told for the purpose of one-upping whoever told the previous one. I go for the outlandish, the stuff nobody's seen before. I know I'm not very attractive, but if my eye makeup's badass, that might make up for it.
I hate the skin I'm in, yet I continue to try and keep the spotlight trained on it.
If that makes sense to you, call me up and explain me to myself.
There're other ways I've been questioning. Jackie tells me everyone questions this about themselves once in their lives. I just never thought "everyone" would ever include me.
All I'll say is that the heart works in mysterious, mind-boggling, sometimes seemingly hateful ways.
Who am I?
I am a girl of many masks.
I've not been able to pull them all off yet, not even for the mirror.
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| I work all night, for one more day that I can say I'm all alone. |
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Friday
December 22, 2006
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Hmm. So. Random update that has nothing to do with the subject line.
Or is it the subject that has nothing to do with the update?
I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM I'D LIKE TO RIP MY BRAIN OUT OF MY HEAD AND NAIL IT TO THE NEAREST LIGHTPOST.
Ahem. On to today.
It began when I woke up. hahaha, I'm a killer, I know.
Anyway, I went to a place where my mom paid someone to shoot a sharp object through my earlobe. It was what I've always wanted! AKA I got my second piercing. =]
Then we went to eat @ quiznos. One of the guys there was really cute and he had a snakebite.
Well not really cute, I guess he was okay.
Alright, I just liked the snakebite. Stfu.
But they have amazing veggie sammiches, for you vegheads like me out there.
After that, we went to pick Beenie up from the groomer's. She smells really good, like some sort of fruit. I just can't put my finger on which one right now.
Then mommie and I went to the mall. We started out @ Bath and Body Works. My arm is now an EXPLOSION of scents. Then we went to Hot Topic.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.
Hottie was there. (Yes, his name is Hottie.) He works there and his hair looks really good even though he cut it. I think I might like the longer hair a little better though, but still, he's Hottie. I mean, c'mon. And mom says he was checkin me out. She was like "He was staring at you all the way out the door! I'VE GOT TO BEAT HIM WITH A STICK!" and I was like "But you've gotta admit, he's pretty darn cute." and she was like "Well, yeah, he was. I'll give you that much."
We bought one of my Christmas presents there, the MOST AMAZING pair of skinny jeans. And they're actually skinny jeans this time. I love my grey ones but I lost so much weight right after I bought them, it was like WTF.
So yeah, I can't wear them until Christmas. But that's okay, it's in 3 friggin days. wow.
Yeah, I know that had no point but I just wanted to let you know I suppose I'm content for now. Life is just alright. Happy Christmas to all of you reading this.
And Pee Ess, check out my NEW PHOTOJOURNEY ON MYSPACE BLOG GO LOOK GO LOOK IT'S THE MOST AMAZING STORY EVER TOLD!
♥ Alexa
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| Grargafargg. |
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Saturday
November 18, 2006
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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Back Home by Yellowcard |
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I have recently discovered that Alexa is synonymous with Tardface.
So that crush i discussed earlier...we had a bit of a conflict, and so i thought I was over him. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA. (this is where you laugh at me. go ahead.)
we've been hanging out again, a LOT. The way he looks at me makes me feel like I'm the only other person in the room. He used to do that to a lot of people, but Jackie noticed that he's only been doing it to me lately. and he'll come up to me unexpectedly and start talking and hanging out with me and whatnot. Like the other day during tech week, I was standing near the window alone waiting for my mom to come with my laptop (GIG). and he walks up behind me and says, "Seeing you looking out the window all alone like that is one of the saddest things I've ever seen." I just melted like butter on a Florida sidewalk in the summer. at high noon. And it seems like when we're joking around in a big group he directs everything at me and tries to make me laugh the hardest.
I introduced him to my mom, and of course, as embarrassing as she is, she says, "Well, Alexa thinks you're really special." I think I turned bright red. But I got even redder when he replied, "Well I think the same about her." And he calls me Love and Doll and Honey and Babe.
A group of girls were discussing us when they saw him come up to me during tech week. They think he likes me. Jackie says that we're pretty much going out as it is, if not in name.
And (STFU I KNOW IT"S FREAKING CORNY) my love horoscope says: "On the 18th that guy you've been hanging out with will tell you how he feels in the sweetest and most unexpected way possible." I've been hanging out with him. And it's the 18th.
I can't help but find myself praying that both the horoscope and the group of girls are right.
I think I'm going to rip my face off if they're not.
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